After my son became rebellious, I suddenly woke up: Parents love to teach great truth, and children are often easily abandoned

time:2023-01-29 author:Daily life
After my son became rebellious, I suddenly woke up: Parents love to teach great truth, and children are often easily abandoned

Teacher Wu Zhihong said: "The most ineffective effort in the world is to be honest with the child. The more you talk, the more disgusted the child will be, and the less willing to communicate with you." A few days later, I had a profound insight. The pictures in this article are all from the Internet, and the pictures and texts have nothing to do with

My nagging has made my child's "rebellious"?

Due to my husband and I's work, my son spent his childhood with his grandmother. It was not until the first two years, when the job was stable, that he was brought to our side. The return of my son makes me happy, and I always want to make up for his childhood regrets. But the vacant time, the distance in time and space, cannot be eliminated in a day or two after all, my son always has a sense of distance from us. At first, I was also afraid of my son's "indifferent face", and I carefully maintained a good relationship with him, not daring to say a word. After spending a long time together, my nagging nature was exposed at a glance. The conflict broke out completely, which happened in this summer vacation. Every time I get off work, I can always see my son lying on the sofa and playing games, so I keep telling him big truths, such as "I always lie down and hurt my spine", "Looking at my phone too much will break my eyes", "You should study hard at your age, don't just want to play all day." As a result, the son immediately retorted after hearing it: "Can you stop talking, you are just like Tang Seng chanting scriptures all day long, and you talk and go back to those few sentences. My ears are calloused, don't you think it's annoying?" Immediately afterwards, He rushed into his room impatiently and slammed the door shut. The sound of the earthquake closing the door made my heart tremble and my brain went blank. After discussing this matter with my husband, he sighed and said, "Aren't you a little too nervous, taking care of too many children." Then I counted how many words I nag about my children every day throughout the summer vacation, and now he has sex In junior high school, I still had to take care of the little things about eating, drinking and lhasa. Even how much he ate and how many times he chewed, I had to say a few words. "Seriously, it's amazing that he has endured until now." My husband's words completely shattered my psychological defense. It wasn't until then that I woke up: It turns out that talking with children all day long is the most useless way of education.

Your big truth, children may not understand at all

Educator Rousseau said: "The three most useless education in the world The method is to reason with reason, lose your temper, and be deliberately moved.” Among them, reasoning is the top priority. And according to our daily experience, we can also find that many times, no matter how much we tell our children, they just don’t hear them. Why is this? Your big truth, in fact, children don't understand at all, Harvard MD Daniel Siegel and brain scientist Tina Payne Bryson have a study, which mentioned: "Children can't listen to the big truth, The reason is that the way parents raise their children does not conform to the law of brain development.” From a scientific point of view, the development of human brain structure is sequential, and the development law of children is usually to develop the lower part of the brain that controls emotions first, and then develop control. sensible upper class. This also leads to the fact that children's emotions are often higher than their rationality. So sometimes we can't always blame the children for being ignorant and not listening to the big truth. Many times it's because they don't understand their parents at all. Adults cannot always use adult thinking to educate children. After all, in the world of children, 1 is 1 and 2 is 2. They who only think in a straight line may be criticized and do not know what they have done wrong.

Parents love to tell the truth, and children are easily abandoned

"Parents' nagging is no less than a chronic psychological torture ." The "exceeding limit effect", which has been explained many times before, can actually illustrate this problem. When we repeatedly use big principles to educate children, once the maximum threshold of the opponent's psychological tolerance is exceeded, it is easy to stimulate their rebellious psychology. Some children may become short-tempered because of this, the rebellious period begins early, and they are unwilling to listen to their parents’ nagging more, and the parent-child relationship also becomes alienated because of this; some children become inferior and depressed because of their parents’ high-level preaching. , feeling that he has no personal worth, and this damage is often no less than that caused by verbal violence. In fact, when children are about 10 to 14 years old, they have gradually formed their own right and wrong value judgments, and they have their own opinions and ideas. At this time, if parents always speak big truths to her, impose personal values ​​on children, or even deny their ideas, this will undoubtedly cause psychological damage to children, lose motivation to move forward in the future, and limit personal development. . For example, when a child is at the age of beauty, she begins to make up and dress up. Parents keep instilling in her that make-up is not good for her skin, that little girls should not wear heavy make-up, and even deny the child's aesthetics, criticizing her dress for detrimental weathering. Such "didactic" comments often make children feel that their parents do not respect and approve of me.

You have to learn how to do this instead of big logic

1, first be sympathetic, then reasonable Learn to accept your child's negative emotions. Look at problems from their point of view, empathize with them, convey parents' support, understanding, and respect to children, and allow them to have the opportunity of trial and error, which is easier for children to accept. If you only stand on the opposite side of them, just focus on expressing your own opinions, and don’t listen to the voice of the child at all, let alone give him the opportunity to explain, it is often easy to stimulate his rebellious emotions, and the result will be greatly reduced. 2. Change your thinking and educate your child with softness and force. If you confront him head-on, you will basically lose both. Sometimes we have to learn to change our thinking and overcome rigidity with softness. It is also reasonable to say that, compared with high-level preaching, it is actually better to change the humorous way. For example, if a child insists on wearing short clothes to go to school, you think the dressing situation is not right--ordinary parents: "What are you wearing, go and change it for me." Smart parents: "If you wear this When I go to school, I will wear the same clothes to pick you up from school, and we will see who wears the shorter one." This will not conflict with the child directly, but also use a subtle and ridiculing way to persuade the child. [Summary] Of course, there is no perfect person in the world. Sometimes when we educate our children, we may also lose our temper and reason, and it is impossible to control them completely. Therefore, we do not expect parents to be 100% perfect. We only hope that on the way of parenting, we will grow together with our children. If we find that there is a problem with our educational methods, we can correct them in time, instead of continuing to make mistakes for our own sake.
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